Sandbags and Molasses

My life is, once again, changing.
It’s inevitable, I realize this…don’t worry.
I love change, for the most part, but this is a stuck-in-the-mud change.
I really do love my job, but I find that the saying
“Can’t live with it, can’t live without it”
is perfectly fitting for this part of my life.
It’s such a sandbag to my hot air balloon!!  

I sit here, with my dog, beautifully lit pine tree, and instrumental music.
I long for more.

If I’m always restless, then there’s something out there for me.
What am I missing? Do I just have to endure this molasses  puddle? I feel so stuck. I want to be free; more than anything I want to be free. 

My heart burns with a passion to be free; to cut all the sand bags from my hot air balloon and eat my way through the sticky molasses.
I’ve been on such adventures that I just want more,
God placed this burning fire within me…
I’m trying to figure out why. 

What do you want from me!?

I just don’t hear anything.
I don’t want to be so wrapped up in searching that I miss His whisper…but I am trying to not be a couch potato…ha, like that’s even possible, when do I have time to waste entire days sitting down?
I’m not meant to sit down. I’m meant to float across the skies and be a witness and partaker in God’s great creations and miracles. 

So, am I where He wants me to be right now?
Somehow, I feel as though the answer is ‘no’…
I feel as though this is super temporary and that this is just a bridge to get to where He wants me. But, then I suppose that bridge would be a ‘yes’ wouldn’t it? How easily my mind goes in circles till’ I get sick.

I know I don’t have to understand this. I know that God will come through–He’s planning right now.
I have so many options and paths that are possibilities to get onto right now, it just overwhelms me. 

Mi amor told me something I really needed  to hear…
“You need to find something to do with your life that isn’t work”

I obviously do a whole lot, but, now I’m not playing guitar much, I’m not involved in the college group worship band, the play is over, the season’s parties are done with, etc…
SO, I hang out with people and work. :/ meh. doesn’t sounds appetizing. 

So, I’m in a rut, but being awed by God’s works around me and within me.
He’s still and always in control,
so I’m trusting Him with my future.
I just want to make sure that I’m doing what He wants me to do.
So, I’m searching for opportunities to better my life and those around me.

I’m finding ways to do more than just work,
starting with step 1:
going to Grand Rapids for a day to get away from all my sandbags and molasses.

 

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Obstacles of Love

Sometimes, many little kids think how much perfection will enter their lives when ‘I grow up’ {whatever age that is!}.

They’ll have the perfect job–because they’ve dreamed about it for so long.

They’ll have the perfect marriage–one with love and service every day and no fighting because ‘I’m different; I won’t do that’. 

There’s so many more things that we {even if you’re not a second grader} have higher expectations of, because we think we can change–or change someone else.
When I was growing up {I still am} I never heard my parents argue. Sure, there were a few disagreements, but not shouting arguments. That just never happened. I always thought that’s just how it will be when I’m married.
I remember, when I was playing ‘house’ outside with one of my besties, that I wanted to marry someone just like my dad, ’cause he was the greatest and I loved him.

There’s a lot more imperfection in my life now than when I was younger–that’s for sure.
I watch my boyfriend’s littlest brother, and how writing in cursive is the pits; the worst thing on the planet was that for me too! Now…I WISH that’s all I had to do in a day–how EASY and simple!

Our struggles change  as we get older.

I have found I ‘promise’ a lot, making it my pact to not doing something or TO do something.
I make high bars of expectation and when I naturally cannot fulfill them, I’m hanging there, struggling to even hold on to that bar. 

I have high expectations of myself all the time,
I feel as though if someone else can be that way,
then I certainly can too.
But, then I remember, on late drives home or in the dark hours of the night sitting before the elegantly lighted Christmas tree, that it’s not healthy.

I constantly put a bar up and drop
then, I put it up again, {“I can do this!”}
and fail miserably.
But, wait! This can’t happen, I HAVE to do this!
kerplunk.
The bar just seems to get farther and farther away.

That’s when a Bible verse at work smacks me,
my goal was the bar the whole time,
not God and what He wanted from me.

Think of how much time I wasted setting up an obstacle course…sounds silly.

I still struggle with life, because that’s what happens;
that’s what’s natural.
But, I feel a bit stronger in certain areas.
Some, need a whole heap of work ’cause I just keep tunneling down.

Finding the beauty in the hard times and trials and struggles and insanity, that’s when I breathe; that’s when I grow. 

I, honestly, don’t think that it’ll get any easier or more perfect after this, but there’s beauty around the corner…actually, it’s here, in Him.
Beauty is everywhere we look, no matter how awful it may seem.

My two hands are doing very different things.
I’m a person who struggles with balance.
And.
The reality:
It’ll happen for the rest of my life. 

~~~

This obstacle course that I’ve built myself,
will destroy me…
Unless,  my vulnerability shakes,
and love entails me…
It has. Love was there all along.
I just felt too trampled to think it was true.
Isn’t that the point?
Love is a choice, despite the restless imperfect life. 

That is Him.
His ultimate example of undeserved love.
We do nothing to make Him love us,
He chooses to love us DESPITE.

He’s doing that now and
He’ll do that tomorrow.

His love never fails.