Are you sure you want to know me?

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
~Benjamin Franklin

 

Ever since I was little, I always felt like I was a warrior, just like my big brother. I would grow up strong and unmovable; I would be ahead of the game.

I found out that I am weak and brittle; I am human.

I think that everybody has this desire to be able to fix their own problems yet wants somebody there to comfort them through it. It’s just really hard when the one who is part of the problem is the one you want comfort from.

I think I’m doing 50% better on the trust issue with God, now I have problems with holding myself back.
Isn’t that how it goes though?

…be gentle with me Jesus, as you tear me apart…
(JJ Heller-Until Only Love Remains)

 

This is a great song to listen to, so please do so at this moment. And think about the words.

When we give our lives to God, and attempt to give Him all areas of our life, He slowly breaks us down, we let go of this area and that one. He begins to mold us into a beautiful work of art-one of original intention.

So, I have given this area and that area, trying to give my entire life, since I became a God-lover. We broke through the trust issue, and now I’ve improved. So, God is beginning to change my focus DEEPLY to self-control.

If I want to become a person where ‘only love remains’, I have to reach the point of taking the plank out of my eye.
When I was that little warrior, I thought I had it all figured out-that became my foundation and when I reached my breaking point I realized how blind I became because my foundation was sand.

All men are tempted.  There is no man who lives that can’t be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot.

I am imperfect, helpless, weak, vulnerable, wavered, and-lets face it-an idiot.
Thanks to mi dulce Salvador, I know this and can ask Him to change these.
It’s just getting to the point where I REALLY want to change it…this is such a hard subject to talk about…let me express more with quotes:

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don’t want to discourage it completely.

I suppose coming down to point-blank is step one. Understanding what needs to be changed, controlling yourself, and holding to the Rock-Solid Foundation become the next.

THAT one, “holding to the Rock-Solid Foundation”…that’s where I fall on my face.
I go through all these spirals…I can’t stick to Him…I can’t keep in step and stick to these yet; I can’t control myself to stay in line.

I read my Bible (with my mindset being to learn and grow) I always need to pray more, but I do, and I fellowship with other believers all the time as well.

…am I a hypocrite?

…what am I missing?

…what is the glue for God, me and control?

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Are you sure you want to know me?

  1. Oh Sarah!

    Thank you for your courage in sharing your weakness with us! Yes, you are an idiot and I say that in total love because so am I and so is everyone else. We are weak, immeasurably foolish, and perpetually, purposefully blind to the goodness of our God and the destruction of our sin. I know because I am describing myself.

    Sarah, the glue for you and God and control is God. He knows every sin you are ever going to commit, He knew it on the cross, He knew it when He chose you as His child, and He still knows it. He hasn’t forgotten that we are weak, breakable, fickle creatures. He knows better than we do what we are and yet, HE STILL LOVES US.

    Here are some Bible verses about temptation. 1 Cor 10:13, James 1, James 4:7-10, Matt 4: 1-11, and Hebres 12:1-3. Temptation is real and sometimes, we need to be humbled a little, but there will never be a time in a healthy Christian’s lives that we will not be working on some sin. Our relationship with God is a work in progress just like any other relationship. There is always something to be smoothed out or discarded or altered to grow deeper in love. Pursue God, Sarah. Look at your sin with open eyes but do not be discouraged. Keep pressing on for you do not need to run this race alone. Christ has run it before you, He knows your weakness (Heb 4:14-16), and He will give you the strength to reach the finish line.

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  2. My beautiful girl I hear you…

    A slightly crass quote I heard before I share a little “My mind is a two-bit whore…” which while funny, perfectly describes the battle our mind goes through against our hearts, decisions, truths, etc… One minute we’re steadfast, the next we’re making up excuses and justifications.

    Let me encourage you, God knows, and He is ever patient (don’t ask me how.. I have NO idea because I drive myself nuts sometimes!)… He will take a long time to break this one, because He is well aware of how fragile you are, and how much you WANT to change, but it becomes an exercise in habits as much as anything.

    “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want…” -Galatians 5:16-17

    If only it were as simple as turning a corner huh?.. You are not alone, this is a wonderfully difficult thing that God will change slowly.. then you will revisit it periodically throughout your entire life 🙂 (Joy)

    I recommend getting an accountability partner to help you process through and to be the person bringing things into the light for God to work on.

    Remember.. You are not alone, this is not a new struggle.. God will work through this too 🙂

    Love you!
    ~K

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    • AH! Gosh Krista, I love you so much, thanks for this. And yes, that quote is spot on.
      I’d also like to add this verse:
      “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. This spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” -Matt. 26:41
      THAT LAST PART..gosh, i am so willing, but my body is just worn down and weak.

      Thank you, I think God just told me who my accountability partner will be…thanks for helping me out Krista, thank you thank you thank you.

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