I am hitting the point in my ministry where I am struggling immensely. It mostly has to do with the language barrier, but partially with the overwhelming amount of change I’m experiencing. I have shed more tears today than any other. I hate crying, but I know it’s good to get your emotions out. My problem is: I just can’t cry in front of people here for some reason, I’m just uncomfortable with it. I don’t mean to make the people here seem like they are rude or other sorts of declining adjectives but it’s just not home. I haven’t learned to be as emotionally open here, yet.
The language barrier I struggle with a lot. I don’t like the fact that I can’t carry on a conversation with somebody in Spanish. I can’t stand the amount of work it takes…I’m tired, sore, bruised, scarred, and emotionally unstable. I drive myself insane at home, enough as it is! Now, here I lay in the hammock, trying to have a relaxing day and get myself put back together.
I have been thinking a lot about ministry here. What am I doing here anyways? Well, today’s post is going to be a lot of me ranting and figuring out my situation, so you’re definitely entering my mind right now.
My reasons for coming down here were purely because God told me to go and for the experience of missions. I was unsure of what it would be like and what I would be doing. I was hoping that language wouldn’t be a hard wall and that I could talk to people about my Saviour, but no. It has been extremely hard to talk to anybody who isn’t from the states. I have learned some verses in Spanish that I can tell people, to present the Salvation message, but I haven’t learned enough yet.
Just because my Spanish is terrible doesn’t mean that I can’t be a missionary for Christ, though. Even without those verses I would still be doing God’s work. Service is my main mission here, whether it be in the school or the church. I have worked extremely hard to help them out. My mission is by actions.
Actions speak louder than words.
If I work hard and diligently with an open and willing heart then no matter the reaction of people, I have followed God’s call. I just have to tell myself that over and over.
No matter the cost, I will follow You.
God is testing my trust-like usual. And this time, I’m not gonna get to the bottom of the ocean before I choose His way.
After a nice conversation with my cousin, he made me realize that it doesn’t completely matter what the people think, it’s what you do for God. He just told me to show God through my actions and motivated me by his prayers.
I need prayer a lot, especially in this time. I want to stay focused on God and not stray off the path. I am striving for God’s direction and His peace; knowing that everything is for Him and it’s okay to mess up my Spanish.
In my times of trial I want to find joy, like James told me to do.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
Keeping focused on Christ has become really hard here.
I need all your prayers.
It’s kind of crazy how I can feel your prayers. If prayer wasn’t in this missions trip, it would ultimately be a disaster. Thank you for all the prayers you have showered me with, I hope for more of those motivating days.